Boxing day...get the gloves.

Things are looking up. I have eaten half the mountain of chocolate... watching greatest harry potter moments. Girlfriend says its OK, we will work it out. I am still going to France. I am going to make it better.

On another note.. was on twitter and saw godswordlaw and Ricky Gervais having a spat. What they were saying was so bad. I am obviously completely stupid, but I never realised how much hate there was in religion. I thought it was more about love and morals and believing in better people. Kind of scary when you listen to some of their posts. But then again is it better to believe in nothing? I haven't got a clue anymore. Still celebrate Christmas though, as to me its about family, love and seeing the queens speech. Not about spouting hate on other people's lives.  But hey, that's just me.

Hope you all had a lovely Christmas!

FUCK

Christmas eve, I got drunk, smoked about a million, was horrendously hungover on christmas day. I forgot most of the night, pretty sure I was with a boy at one point behind the bus shelter. I have no idea what I was doing. I rang my girlfriend told her i was kissing this boy, she is mad at me and once again told em I am a shit girlfriend and she doesnt see the point in the relationship anymore. I dont know what I am doing. I dont know why I can't stop drinking. I don't know why I get such strong emotions that I dont know what to do with them. I drunk texted my boss, my friends everything. I am completely embarrassed and the thought of facing people makes me feel sick. My new years resolution, NO MORE ALCOHOL, and think I am going to spend the money I save on some therapy. I genuinely need help.

Money troubles

I went to the bank today to withdraw £200 for my trip to France. The lady behind the desk said I had only £8.47 available in my account. Holy crap. I mean I know December is a big month and everything, car insurance, tax, Christmas presents, end of season meals etc. etc. But I really thought I had about £500 left.  I get paid on the 30^th, its not like I will die, I am staying with my parents and working all the time so I don’t really have time to spend any money. But how the hell am I going to get some Euros in time for my trip? I can’t exactly show up and not pay for anything, I mean my girlfriend is generous but I don’t want to take the piss. Plus I need new stuff for work, I have definitely shrunk my favourite work shirt and my trousers are a bit small not to mention my shoes which have been punished all term. I have even booked a hair appointment to smarten myself up before the new term, I just don’t know what to do!

I do have savings, I have been turning to them a lot during the last three years, and they are definitely half gone, I keep saying I will pay myself back but I haven’t yet. I have already drawn up a budget for 2012 and working in the holidays will help. I am pretty sure by Feb I will be in the black. This feels wrong though. Surely now I am a girl in the working world I shouldn’t have to turn to my savings. Surely my days of worrying about money are over as long as I budget? I feel incredibly guilty and keep looking for a point where I spent stuff I shouldn’t have. But I haven’t bought clothes in ages, I did go out to end of term meals and buy a few rounds, but no more than anyone else. I suppose it is just Christmas. I should get over it right? At least I have savings; at least my parents will put me up for Christmas. I feel about 5. It could be worse. I could be Greek.

Drunken texts

Drunken texts are always a bad sign. When I get drunk my texts are ridiculous, and I can’t seem to stop. I come across as a psycho, the worst part is I usually delete my sent messages box so my sober self can be spared the pain. What an idiot. I have even managed to text my boss stupid stuff before. However it is not me who was drunkenly texting last night, but my girlfriend who is on the other side of the world. This is a good thing, it means I get the texts in the middle of the day instead of while asleep. She says she misses me, she wishes she was with me. However It was her decision to go to Australia, so I have little sympathy. I sent her a text back saying ‘I am glad you have a good night, speak tomorrow xx’ I feel it was appropriate and no further texts came.

The manager situation has got better, once I got my head round the fact that she doesn’t care, and nor do I (happily married right?) I managed to get a whole conversation out without sounding like a fool. Brill.

Meeting my only gay friend today, she is going to come with me while I check on my goldfish. I had to leave Bette (Tina died) in my flat where I work, as I am currently staying at my parents and temping. If she is dead, it will be the 7^th fish I have killed, and it will be the last pet I EVER get. The goldfish is like a practice run for a dog or cat. My girlfriend hates dogs so it looks like I will be getting a cat… but I don’t wanna end up a crazy cat lesbian…

Holiday work

 I am working in a supermarket during the holidays, extra cash, don’t have to spend so much time at home, don’t spend as much… you get the idea. I don’t enjoy it, I am given a month’s holiday from my term time job and it is just too long. Nothing really changes much in the shop, same faces, and same awkward customers/managers. Imagine my surprise when I came back to a new… totally fit manager? It was more than awkward.

She is young, slim, amazing welsh accent, and I totally have a thing for accents (my girlfriend is French). She said ‘hello darling, heard a lot about you’ thick welsh drawl followed by a wink and a smile. I am not out at work. What on earth has she heard? Instead of laughing, or reacting at all, I just stared… full on stared. Luckily she had her hand out… so all I had to do was shake it. I could not speak. I recovered just in time to smile. I hope she doesn’t think I am a total freak.

The girlfriend has spent 3 months in Australia, seeing her after Christmas. She has only just got her internet back online, so the nights are getting longer staying up to talk to her. Feels a lot better now we are talking regularly.. it was a bit hit and miss a couple of weeks ago. Good job really as I am visiting the whole of her family (all French and no my French is not that good) who by the way.. don’t know we are together.. did I not mention that?

Got a fourteen hour shift next week, let’s hope I don’t freeze, and not because of the cold!