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Photos and memories

Its my day off. I wake up and the morning is full of possibilities. I could do something amazing today. I could meet the love of my life. I could achieve a personal goal. I could witness history. I wanted one of those days where you make memories that stay with you for the rest of your life.

I headed out for lunch with some friends, the sun was shining, and we walked past the abbey, laughing about random things. It was fab. Then someone mentioned last week. You know the one where I got completely drunk and ended up sleeping with one of the guys. I am trying to pretend to everyone that it is not a big deal, that it doesn’t matter, but it really does. It upsets me and I am not really sure why. Anyway my friends are cool, and I would make fun if it was one of them, but I just couldn’t handle it. So I said I needed to get some cash out, and I went home. I am such a wimp.

I spent the day watching twilight, doing a sit up every time Kristen Stuart came on the screen (so so so hot) and eating vegetable crisps. It was my parents anniversary so they came into town to have a meal, and I met up with them for a drink. PLEASE DEAR GOD DO NOT LET ME TURN INTO MY MOTHER. I love my mum, don’t get me wrong, but I can see my flaws in her. She had an argument with my brother while she was there, and it was crazy, it was like a movie was being played of me being mental, except it wasn’t me, it was my mum. I drank quickly to get over the awkwardness, two pints with them. When they left I joined my friend and his parents and drank some more. When his parents left, we continued to drink.

I was a hopeless flirt. I got called beautiful by this polish girl, my wingman said it was my way in, but I was so shocked by what she had said I could not speak. Then I was giving this other girl the eye, and she was with a lovely lesbian couple. However I overheard her conversation and she used the L word while talking about a guy. So when she was looking at me she was probably thinking ‘why the hell is this weird girl looking at me?’Hopeless should be my middle name.

On the way home me and my wingman had a chat. Turns out he is totally bisexual and he hasn’t told anyone about it. We had a heart to heart about life and stuff, it was really nice to be able to talk to someone about stuff like that. I also told him how much it bothered me that people talk about me and that guy. I really don’t know why it bothers me so much, but it does. We were walking home anyway, and then my wingman leans in and kisses me! Saying that he really likes me! I didn’t know what to do. I told him that he was my best friend and that I may have slept with a guy, but I am definitely gay. The kissing actually made me feel a bit sick.

Woke up this morning ten mins before work. Good job my boss text me offering me a lift else I would not have got up at all. So I didn’t meet the love of my life, I didn’t take any photos or achieve any personal goals. However I did have a good day, and my ex (who I am still completely in love with by the way) sent me a photo from last week. This one made me laugh; I am shaking hands with my new friend J

Madness and Emotions

I hope it is not just me who feels these things are both really similar. Sometimes I will feel emotions so strongly, that it feels like I am going to explode. Sometimes I feel so alone, uninteresting and worthless, that my body starts to shake. It will be random, like just after a meal out with friends. It is a feeling that just sends me into madness. It was this feeling that got me last night. I think it began when my ex didn’t have enough credit to call me. Why that bothered me so much I don’t know. Maybe it was simmering for ages, seems too strong for it to be something as flippant as that.

I started to drink to calm myself down; I had about 6 pints, a few shots and some mixer drinks. I kissed 2 guys, a girl and ended up sleeping with a work colleague. A MALE ONE. I don’t have a clue why, or what was in my head. But waking up and facing the staffroom banter today was almost beyond me.

As for the sex... well it’s just like using a strap on without the strap and without the boobs. Not really my thing. It was very businesslike, and today it was not awkward to I suppose it is not too bad.

I called my ex and explained. She seems worried. I really miss her. But is that just because I am scared of being alone? That no-one will be interested in me? I think I am going mad. The girl I kissed (and pushed into a bathroom cubicle) is really really really not my type. We are going for drinks tomorrow night. Before you say anything, I told her I was drunk, and I am not interested... but if I start feeling shaky, who knows what will happen. I don’t really know where my head is these days. I still haven’t spoken to my family properly after they said that I can’t stay at home and wear pjs all day. What do I do? What am I doing?

Put me in a straight jacket

Meant to be a holiday, but with all the random stuff going on I decided that I needed something to get my teeth into.. how about a lifeguard course? I am not the best swimmer, having stopped lessons once it was clear I was not going to drown. But it would make it easier for me to get a job and stuff so why not?

It was great, everyone was sixteen, but I enjoyed the challenge and the people I met were nice, even though they are only 16. Bit strange working with sixteen year olds. I kept going home, absolutely exhausted, and put on my pjs, I was so cold and tired! Then I went to bed at some ridiculous early hour like 8pm. My Mum and Dad went mental. They said that it was depressing to put on pjs in the afternoon, and that I never do anything around the house. It was awful. I had to leave. My dad, who is normally quite reserved said that it ‘would be better’ if I left. I was upset. My parents have never really been the same since I came out.

However, when I got to my flat, I put music on really loud, made myself some dinner in my pjs and had a lovely beer. No judging. No complaints, no sharing. It was ace! I love being on my own, and I am only just learning to appreciate it!

Work starts again today, and I just spoke to my boss. We spoke about the night before half term, where I was COMPLETELY DRUNK. I think it is safe to say that I should not take my phone out with me when I am drinking. I rang my ex, and told her that I was not interested in her and she should go away, I also texted my boss... A LOT! When she was talking about it today, she said ‘I didn’t realise that I had a girlfriend...’ o shit. I don’t fancy her, but obviously when I have had a drink I become some sort of physco moron. God I hate the drunken me.

Present day, everything is fine,. I am actually really happy at the moment; I am speaking to the ex quite a lot, I am going out a lot, spending time with friends. I don’t want to fuck it up with physco drunken nights. Will let you know if I get put into a mad house.

Valentines day

Last Valentine’s day, I was completely in love. This valentine’s day, I am working in a pool.

My Lifeguard course is going well, I can barely see because of the chlorine, my skin is getting really dry even though I have put on a million trillion bottles of moisturiser. I am in a class of 16 years olds, who are actually pretty cool, but I TEACH 16 YEAR OLDS! I am sorry but I find it weird having to do all the lifeguard first aid stuff on kids who I could be teaching... worse thing is, a student from my last school is there and I am pretty sure I have taught her... The instructor is a geek who obviously never got laid until he was 30. He is horrible, every time I try to answer a question he says ‘yes’... even if it is wrong. Then he looks at the others as if they should answer! He actually yelled at the class today for not answering, but every time we do he makes us look like a bunch of idiots!

On our second pool session, an aqua aerobics class had just finished, and he made us go in the pool and do aqua aerobics. I like aqua aerobics, but he literally STARED at us while we did it, laughing and pointing. He then made fun of the teacher in front of us. IT WAS DIRE. No-one was prepared for what happened next though, SHE PUSHED HIM IN THE POOL! It was fantastic. He was in such a bad mood for the rest of the day, she has definitely got a formal warning, but I might send her some flowers, because that was the highlight of my day!

I spoke to my ex last night. I know what you are thinking: ‘BORING! WHEN WILL YOU GET LAID AND STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS EX!?’ but I did speak to her! It was not as bad as I thought, but at the same time it was worse. The good thing was that we didn’t get upset, and we had a nice conversation which I feel is a major improvement. However it was bad because we had a webcam. Imagine, I have just been in the pool for 4 hours, then been in a classroom, my eyes are red, I have no make-up on, wearing my ugly tracksuit (they are 16 I am not aiming to impress and it is super comfy!) and she has just had an interview. Her hair is longer, her make-up perfect, literally flawless. You can tell she has been working out; she wore skinny jeans and a jacket... I love that outfit on her. It is my thing power dressing, I go weak at the knees even if they are fat and ugly, but here is a beautiful slim blonde, in a suit.  Why is it that I eat chocolate and work myself into the ground so I look like shit even a month after a break up, when others get fit and look amazing? Jesus. There ex girlfriend rant over! Come on it is Valentine ’s Day I am allowed a little rant.

Happy Valentines day singletons!

What the hell?

Stole this from another blog... thanks!

I just re-read the last post on my blog, and I’m not going to lie. I was bored. So I decided to do a little more, work less, mope less and make some more memories to tell you about...

I went out with my boss, and a few people who were above me at work on Wednesday. I got drunk, then went back to work. No it is not as bad as that! I had a few beers with a meal. Why is it that things go better when you have had a few? My boss (the only lesbian I know of in a twenty mile radius) looked a lot more attractive through my beer goggles. Well at least I am hoping that it was the beer goggles because that crush would be awkward and highly inappropriate. She is quite tactile, and I’m not so I think I definitely read too much into the hugs she often gives out. But if you were my boss, and knew I was gay, and knew I knew you were gay... what the hell do hugs mean? Why do I care? A guy who used to work with them was there as well, he was BRILLIANT. He told so many stories of what she used to be like, and he made everyone laugh. May have outed myself to work people too, but I kind of think it went ok. I mean no-one is treating me differently and it is a GREAT relief. I don’t like lying, mainly because I suck at it.

Thursday I went out with my work buddies. This guy who came, Mike, is a massive twat. I have not told him anything about my life because he is the kind of guy who constantly takes the piss. He always has to have the last word, always needs to have one over on you, admittedly I am like this too so you can imagine how we get on. Mike was there however, and he kept making little comments to make me feel uncomfortable like ‘so what is your type Georgia?’ and ‘you don’t like him? Why? Is it because he is male’ which was horrible as I was still not sure who knew what. If you come out it has got to be to everyone at the same time, and if your already out you probably shouldn’t let people think you are straight... I have 1. Left it long enough to be awkward if I told anyone now and 2. Definitely mentioned it by accident to certain people and not others. The girls were there and another nice guy from work so it went well despite Mike trying to make me feel like shit. When we got back from the restaurant, a few of them went to the pub, but I was not really in the mood. I had a smoke with my boss. I know, perfect opportunity to flirt, but I really don’t think I want to! I just wanted a chat and to go to bed. It is FREAKILY cold lately and the thought of walking to the pub was just too much. Plus I was working early so this is my excuse for not having a massive night.

Friday I worked until 12 then went straight to the pub. The whole of work was there, so a lot of drinks were bought for me from senior management. I was pretty drunk. I was supposed to get a train home, buy a card for my mum... so I left the pub and walked to the corner shop. I managed to persuade my boss to come with me, and we looked at cards, made gay jokes and yes I am more tactile after a drink. We got to the desk to pay, and there were buy one get one free earrings... we now have matching earrings (AWKWARD!). It got to about 9pm, several shots/pints/dares later I am stumbling back to the house to grab some stuff and my bike. I have thrown my cigarettes on the floor by accident, fallen over a few times by the time I get to the station. I am waiting for the train and I am pretty sure I rang my ex. Next thing I know, I am cycling up my to my parents house in the snow. No idea how I got home, but when I did, my parents have friends over and a full party! SAVE! No-one has to know I was drunk!

My mum’s birthday went off without a hitch, I went out with them last night so I am pretty tired today. I rang my ex to see if she was ok. I said some pretty horrible things, like go away, leave me alone. I asked her to call me and then I just shouted abuse down the phone. She sounded ok about it I guess. I know this is boring to keep going on about her, but I can’t help it. I go to bed thinking about her, wake up thinking about her and its getting silly. WE BROKE UP. I keep telling myself and reminding myself that it doesn’t work. Today I was watching tv, there were some really fit women in it, but I couldn’t even concentrate on that. I am starting to get kinda desperate, especially if I am looking at my boss through beer goggles (God help me). I don’t want to bother her, or get back together, but would be super ace to have a cuddle and maybe make out a bit.

NO NO NO. I need to go out more, work more and find someone else who wants a snog. Right? Lifeguard course tomorrow. That should keep my mind of things. If I find a girl that looks half decent in a swim suit I will let you know. Cup of tea anyone?

Plan? What plan?

 

Today in my usual weekly horse riding lesson the Girls did not turn up. Instead I rode with one of the boys around the school; he plays polo and is basically good at everything. Our instructor said that I should ride without the stirrups to improve the way I sit on the saddle. I was nervous because they put me on this MASSIVE horse, and I am not the best rider, I only started in September!

However, when we put the stirrups back on, I could definitely tell that I was in a better position. I was sitting down and watching my favourite film ‘Fried Green Tomatoes at the whistlestop cafe’ and I was thinking about my current love life situation....

It has been a month and a bit since I broke up with her, and we still talk quite a lot...  and she even said she would come and visit. It feels like I am without my safety net, riding without a saddle.. any other stupid cliché that you can think of. But if I go through this rough patch, maybe it will be better in the long run? And I will improve my emotional control and stuff right? I have given up planning about this stuff.

I made up with my boss. I am glad because she is really a good friend. Also she understands what it is like to be a lesbian in the straightest town in the whole world...

I haven’t had sex in over a month. I am going out next week. How long can a person go? Is there a limit? Who knows!

So that’s me caught up. I will let you know if something interesting happens in my life!