Easy to read

A picture of my favourite beach... sometimes just text is boring..

I haven’t posted in a while because I have been super busy. I did post one bad one though and deleted rather quickly. A blog shouldn’t be a way to moan about people above you at work... that could get ugly.

The dinner party was AMAZING! I gave everybody parts from the godfather films, and then made a story up about a snitch telling the police about the family, and a murder upstairs. It was brilliant even if the food was only dolmio. My boss didn’t come. She decided to sit with her friends in the staffroom instead. I was really disappointed. I mean I really look up to my boss, I think she has done really well to get to a position like that so young, and we get on really well. I thought she was one of my closest friends here to be honest. She saw me working on all the police files, the props, worrying about it, she saw how much effort I put into the whole evening and then she didn’t turn up. I am a bit upset with her at the moment.

I decided on my day off to go back to Uni to see some of my uni friends. They are amazing girls, one is marrying her lovely boyfriend, and the other is living with her boyfriend and they have grown up proper lives. I really enjoyed talking about the wedding... looks like I am going to be the token lesbian at the wedding. Brill! It will also be the first wedding I have ever gone to!

I went to a pub quiz last night, our team was aptly called ‘bringing up the rear’ because we predicted we would come last. We got that one right! I drank quite a bit, and I sent a little text to my ex asking how she was. I got a barrage of messages. When I logged onto the computer this morning, she said she wants to see me and asked about a few dates. I am so not ready for that. I can’t go back to crying and being miserable. This is the first week I haven’t cried myself to sleep (pathetic I know, but at least I didn’t gain weight), I don’t want to go back to that!

I was talking to this lady at work about it, she is basically a second mum and as long as I change ‘she’ to ‘he’ she gives amazing advice. This time she didn’t really have an answer.. then she said

‘I couldn’t help noticing that the relationship between you and *boss* is a bit difficult at the moment’

Shit I am easy to read. I told her that I wasn’t sure what was going on. FML. What do I do now? Everything was going so well!

Moving on

I have taken to playing squash. Why is it called squash? Is it that two people normally squash each other in the small space? Is it the squishy ball? Is it because you squash your bones every time you hit a wall? I don’t know. I have played most people at work, won my last few games but lost most of them. It is satisfying though, especially the ‘hitting a ball as hard as you can’ bit. I think it is helping with my current post breakup.

I have decided to live every day as it comes, and do exactly what I want. For example, I played squash, and then went to the pub after, whereas normally I would skip the pub and the social because I would want to speak to my girlfriend. I am doing whatever I like, not feeling guilty about anything. It is actually rather good. I feel free. Every now and again, like just before I fall asleep, I think about her and how it could have been, but I am learning to not think like that. I had a brilliant run, now I am on my own (and it’s not that bad!).

I spoke to her today however. It was not as catastrophic as last week where I went into a sort of depressed silence, but she was obviously hurt I had a good week without her. I don’t blame her. I would have been the same last week pre-squash. I feel bad. She asked if we could get back together. I don’t think we can at this stage. I don’t want to be one of those people who makes up, then breaks up and goes on and on in the same cycle, ending up hating each other. NO. That is not me. We made a decision, and we are sticking to it. It is important to focus on yourself every now and again. Healthy even. Do I sound like I am trying to convince myself? Maybe. Is it the right decision?  Ask me again in a few years.

I am hosting a dinner party on Thursday. It is a ‘come dine with me’ style evening and I am the last to do anything. I am a crap cook; however I am doing a cluedo style evening, complete with body, murder weapon and clues all themed on the Godfather. I am quite excited about it, but I hope the guests know it is a Dolmio day. Wish me luck!

Year of the dragon coming up: dragon tattoo?

It has been a while since I last posted. And this is mainly because I have been distracting myself J

So I went to see the new film (well the American version is new) the girl with the Dragon Tattoo. I loved it! It was a griping film, one where you are on the edge of your seat the whole way through. Some scenes were a bit graphic, but at the same time the film wouldn’t be the same without it. I have watched the next film in the series (Swedish version) and loved it, although I am starting to get concerned that there is no happy ending... Not sure whether I will read the book as well, it is a bit difficult to watch a scene like that, but reading about it in detail might just give me nightmares.

I have started playing squash with a friend from work. We spent the whole time laughing at how stupid we are, and it was brilliant. We are now going to play every Monday. Who knows we could be in the Olympics with that much practice.

Started horse riding with work again... and it is BRILLIANT! Learning a new skill never fails to completely take over your mind. However last session I was completely useless and could not do anything I wanted. The lady who teaches us said that I had no excuse for being so bad and I reverted back to a whiney five year old ‘I cannnnnnnt doo it’. It was slightly embarrassing thinking about it now, but it’s ok, I sucked it up and continued. Next week will be better I am sure.

I am also planning a holiday with my best friends from high school. We are going to Spain. It is going to be epic. We might go at the same time the universities go, so we can join in the crazy stuff they get up to in the evening. We might get beaten up so not sure about that plan! Might just stick to beachside bars with my best friends.

So apart from films, exercise and a load of hot chocolate any other ideas how I can distract myself? Yes, don’t panic I am going out with friends in a week to get horrendously drunk... not sure if that’s a wise idea though?

DISTRACT ME!

First full day back at work and it went off without a hitch. I love this job, I am mainly on duty in the evenings, and even then, I am generally in the office free to go on the internet and pretty much do anything I like in between my jobs. Students are happy to be back and I even got a few presents... I don’t remember being this nice to my teachers.

The ex-girlfriend (ouch that hurt to write) spoke to me online today. She told me she still loves me and that this is the hardest decision she has made (even though it was mutual). What is the point in telling me that? Just makes it harder. I am really trying not to text or talk to her, but in the evening, just before I go to bed, I miss her. I miss telling her everything, she wasn’t just my girlfriend; she was my best friend. Now I don’t know what I should tell her or how much I should talk to her. It’s impossible and with the free time this job offers me I am not distracted from my thoughts. I have finished my second trilogy (Black magician trilogy by Trudi Canavan, if you haven’t read it, get it now) and I don’t know what to do!

I keep getting stupid messages on Twitter saying ‘earn money online now!’ but they all turn out to be crap or ask for all your details and what if they just steal your money? I could totally write up transcripts for research students or type up documents... but where do you look?

Whats next?

Work started today. I packed my bag. I have no car at the moment as it is broken. My parents drove me. I felt like the student going back to work rather than the teacher. It is nice to be back. To have the routine, a few students even gave me a present. I spoke with my boss for a while, and everything is looking good. I EVEN GOT A FREE RAINCOAT! Brill.

It is tainted though, by the recent events. I was relieved to get back to England and to sleep in my own bed. My friends took me to the pub to cheer me up; I had a few beers, nothing crazy. The first song I heard in public in England was Adele- Someone like you. Every time I am alone I think back to what went wrong, what could I have done better, why it didn’t work... and it’s depressing because I can never find a moment in my memory where I could have changed anything. It was the right thing to do, how could it have worked? Well this is what I keep saying to myself anyway. I am hurting, and I am not sure how to make it go away.

I asked my parents today, if love changes over time. Do they still feel the same way they did when they got married? They said they didn’t and that it always changes over time. Is this what happened? Did the love just change and it scared us? Who knows, I certainly don’t.

Young free and single.... what is next?

New Year, New me.

Wow a lot has happened since I last posted. I am currently visiting the girlfriend, and in France. My new year's eve was spent having a serious discussion which involved a few tears. We have decided to break up. The main reason being the fact that she is French, I am English, there are differences in the way we think, the language is often a barrier to what we really want to say, and it is difficult having a long distance relationship over two countries. Great. So that ends a two and a bit year relationship. However, she wants us to remain friends and see each other (which lets face it means sleeping together) again in the near future. The thought of not seeing her again makes me shudder. She has bean such an important part of my life and the thought of her not being there.. but then at the same time, it is going to be so hard to arrange to meet her when we are no longer together. Not to mention if I end up fooling around, which I have been known to do in the past, will she still meet me? what are the rules regarding this?

So think about it for a second, we decided to break up on the 1st of January, it is now the 5th. That has been 5ish days of being together, but not really together. Although I have had fun, it has been difficult. I find myself snapping at her quite a lot, most of the time has been with her family also so I have had to make an extra effort to speak and understand French (I really SUCK at French) which often left me out of the conversation. If we were together I would not mind making this effort, but I feel selfish now.

I go home tomorrow, and she is cooking me my favourite meal tonight when she gets back from Uni. What the hell are we going to be like when I actually leave? I don't want to feel shit about it anymore.

So New year, New me. I am single. I am ready to tell my friends, one of which is getting married and told me I cant bring anyone but her, I am ready to face the world alone. Or am I? The thought of going out single excites me a little, the thought of dating or getting a new girlfriend horrifies me. I can't be bothered with any of it. Maybe I shall just shut myself off from people emotionally.. HA as if that's possible.

It is decided, new years resolution: drink less, go out more and find someone who will be my best friend and occasionally sleep with me with no strings.  Piece of cake.