I hope it is not just me who feels these things are both really similar. Sometimes I will feel emotions so strongly, that it feels like I am going to explode. Sometimes I feel so alone, uninteresting and worthless, that my body starts to shake. It will be random, like just after a meal out with friends. It is a feeling that just sends me into madness. It was this feeling that got me last night. I think it began when my ex didn’t have enough credit to call me. Why that bothered me so much I don’t know. Maybe it was simmering for ages, seems too strong for it to be something as flippant as that.
I started to drink to calm myself down; I had about 6 pints, a few shots and some mixer drinks. I kissed 2 guys, a girl and ended up sleeping with a work colleague. A MALE ONE. I don’t have a clue why, or what was in my head. But waking up and facing the staffroom banter today was almost beyond me.
As for the sex... well it’s just like using a strap on without the strap and without the boobs. Not really my thing. It was very businesslike, and today it was not awkward to I suppose it is not too bad.
I called my ex and explained. She seems worried. I really miss her. But is that just because I am scared of being alone? That no-one will be interested in me? I think I am going mad. The girl I kissed (and pushed into a bathroom cubicle) is really really really not my type. We are going for drinks tomorrow night. Before you say anything, I told her I was drunk, and I am not interested... but if I start feeling shaky, who knows what will happen. I don’t really know where my head is these days. I still haven’t spoken to my family properly after they said that I can’t stay at home and wear pjs all day. What do I do? What am I doing?
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