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Photos and memories

Its my day off. I wake up and the morning is full of possibilities. I could do something amazing today. I could meet the love of my life. I could achieve a personal goal. I could witness history. I wanted one of those days where you make memories that stay with you for the rest of your life.

I headed out for lunch with some friends, the sun was shining, and we walked past the abbey, laughing about random things. It was fab. Then someone mentioned last week. You know the one where I got completely drunk and ended up sleeping with one of the guys. I am trying to pretend to everyone that it is not a big deal, that it doesn’t matter, but it really does. It upsets me and I am not really sure why. Anyway my friends are cool, and I would make fun if it was one of them, but I just couldn’t handle it. So I said I needed to get some cash out, and I went home. I am such a wimp.

I spent the day watching twilight, doing a sit up every time Kristen Stuart came on the screen (so so so hot) and eating vegetable crisps. It was my parents anniversary so they came into town to have a meal, and I met up with them for a drink. PLEASE DEAR GOD DO NOT LET ME TURN INTO MY MOTHER. I love my mum, don’t get me wrong, but I can see my flaws in her. She had an argument with my brother while she was there, and it was crazy, it was like a movie was being played of me being mental, except it wasn’t me, it was my mum. I drank quickly to get over the awkwardness, two pints with them. When they left I joined my friend and his parents and drank some more. When his parents left, we continued to drink.

I was a hopeless flirt. I got called beautiful by this polish girl, my wingman said it was my way in, but I was so shocked by what she had said I could not speak. Then I was giving this other girl the eye, and she was with a lovely lesbian couple. However I overheard her conversation and she used the L word while talking about a guy. So when she was looking at me she was probably thinking ‘why the hell is this weird girl looking at me?’Hopeless should be my middle name.

On the way home me and my wingman had a chat. Turns out he is totally bisexual and he hasn’t told anyone about it. We had a heart to heart about life and stuff, it was really nice to be able to talk to someone about stuff like that. I also told him how much it bothered me that people talk about me and that guy. I really don’t know why it bothers me so much, but it does. We were walking home anyway, and then my wingman leans in and kisses me! Saying that he really likes me! I didn’t know what to do. I told him that he was my best friend and that I may have slept with a guy, but I am definitely gay. The kissing actually made me feel a bit sick.

Woke up this morning ten mins before work. Good job my boss text me offering me a lift else I would not have got up at all. So I didn’t meet the love of my life, I didn’t take any photos or achieve any personal goals. However I did have a good day, and my ex (who I am still completely in love with by the way) sent me a photo from last week. This one made me laugh; I am shaking hands with my new friend J

Madness and Emotions

I hope it is not just me who feels these things are both really similar. Sometimes I will feel emotions so strongly, that it feels like I am going to explode. Sometimes I feel so alone, uninteresting and worthless, that my body starts to shake. It will be random, like just after a meal out with friends. It is a feeling that just sends me into madness. It was this feeling that got me last night. I think it began when my ex didn’t have enough credit to call me. Why that bothered me so much I don’t know. Maybe it was simmering for ages, seems too strong for it to be something as flippant as that.

I started to drink to calm myself down; I had about 6 pints, a few shots and some mixer drinks. I kissed 2 guys, a girl and ended up sleeping with a work colleague. A MALE ONE. I don’t have a clue why, or what was in my head. But waking up and facing the staffroom banter today was almost beyond me.

As for the sex... well it’s just like using a strap on without the strap and without the boobs. Not really my thing. It was very businesslike, and today it was not awkward to I suppose it is not too bad.

I called my ex and explained. She seems worried. I really miss her. But is that just because I am scared of being alone? That no-one will be interested in me? I think I am going mad. The girl I kissed (and pushed into a bathroom cubicle) is really really really not my type. We are going for drinks tomorrow night. Before you say anything, I told her I was drunk, and I am not interested... but if I start feeling shaky, who knows what will happen. I don’t really know where my head is these days. I still haven’t spoken to my family properly after they said that I can’t stay at home and wear pjs all day. What do I do? What am I doing?

Put me in a straight jacket

Meant to be a holiday, but with all the random stuff going on I decided that I needed something to get my teeth into.. how about a lifeguard course? I am not the best swimmer, having stopped lessons once it was clear I was not going to drown. But it would make it easier for me to get a job and stuff so why not?

It was great, everyone was sixteen, but I enjoyed the challenge and the people I met were nice, even though they are only 16. Bit strange working with sixteen year olds. I kept going home, absolutely exhausted, and put on my pjs, I was so cold and tired! Then I went to bed at some ridiculous early hour like 8pm. My Mum and Dad went mental. They said that it was depressing to put on pjs in the afternoon, and that I never do anything around the house. It was awful. I had to leave. My dad, who is normally quite reserved said that it ‘would be better’ if I left. I was upset. My parents have never really been the same since I came out.

However, when I got to my flat, I put music on really loud, made myself some dinner in my pjs and had a lovely beer. No judging. No complaints, no sharing. It was ace! I love being on my own, and I am only just learning to appreciate it!

Work starts again today, and I just spoke to my boss. We spoke about the night before half term, where I was COMPLETELY DRUNK. I think it is safe to say that I should not take my phone out with me when I am drinking. I rang my ex, and told her that I was not interested in her and she should go away, I also texted my boss... A LOT! When she was talking about it today, she said ‘I didn’t realise that I had a girlfriend...’ o shit. I don’t fancy her, but obviously when I have had a drink I become some sort of physco moron. God I hate the drunken me.

Present day, everything is fine,. I am actually really happy at the moment; I am speaking to the ex quite a lot, I am going out a lot, spending time with friends. I don’t want to fuck it up with physco drunken nights. Will let you know if I get put into a mad house.

Valentines day

Last Valentine’s day, I was completely in love. This valentine’s day, I am working in a pool.

My Lifeguard course is going well, I can barely see because of the chlorine, my skin is getting really dry even though I have put on a million trillion bottles of moisturiser. I am in a class of 16 years olds, who are actually pretty cool, but I TEACH 16 YEAR OLDS! I am sorry but I find it weird having to do all the lifeguard first aid stuff on kids who I could be teaching... worse thing is, a student from my last school is there and I am pretty sure I have taught her... The instructor is a geek who obviously never got laid until he was 30. He is horrible, every time I try to answer a question he says ‘yes’... even if it is wrong. Then he looks at the others as if they should answer! He actually yelled at the class today for not answering, but every time we do he makes us look like a bunch of idiots!

On our second pool session, an aqua aerobics class had just finished, and he made us go in the pool and do aqua aerobics. I like aqua aerobics, but he literally STARED at us while we did it, laughing and pointing. He then made fun of the teacher in front of us. IT WAS DIRE. No-one was prepared for what happened next though, SHE PUSHED HIM IN THE POOL! It was fantastic. He was in such a bad mood for the rest of the day, she has definitely got a formal warning, but I might send her some flowers, because that was the highlight of my day!

I spoke to my ex last night. I know what you are thinking: ‘BORING! WHEN WILL YOU GET LAID AND STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS EX!?’ but I did speak to her! It was not as bad as I thought, but at the same time it was worse. The good thing was that we didn’t get upset, and we had a nice conversation which I feel is a major improvement. However it was bad because we had a webcam. Imagine, I have just been in the pool for 4 hours, then been in a classroom, my eyes are red, I have no make-up on, wearing my ugly tracksuit (they are 16 I am not aiming to impress and it is super comfy!) and she has just had an interview. Her hair is longer, her make-up perfect, literally flawless. You can tell she has been working out; she wore skinny jeans and a jacket... I love that outfit on her. It is my thing power dressing, I go weak at the knees even if they are fat and ugly, but here is a beautiful slim blonde, in a suit.  Why is it that I eat chocolate and work myself into the ground so I look like shit even a month after a break up, when others get fit and look amazing? Jesus. There ex girlfriend rant over! Come on it is Valentine ’s Day I am allowed a little rant.

Happy Valentines day singletons!

What the hell?

Stole this from another blog... thanks!

I just re-read the last post on my blog, and I’m not going to lie. I was bored. So I decided to do a little more, work less, mope less and make some more memories to tell you about...

I went out with my boss, and a few people who were above me at work on Wednesday. I got drunk, then went back to work. No it is not as bad as that! I had a few beers with a meal. Why is it that things go better when you have had a few? My boss (the only lesbian I know of in a twenty mile radius) looked a lot more attractive through my beer goggles. Well at least I am hoping that it was the beer goggles because that crush would be awkward and highly inappropriate. She is quite tactile, and I’m not so I think I definitely read too much into the hugs she often gives out. But if you were my boss, and knew I was gay, and knew I knew you were gay... what the hell do hugs mean? Why do I care? A guy who used to work with them was there as well, he was BRILLIANT. He told so many stories of what she used to be like, and he made everyone laugh. May have outed myself to work people too, but I kind of think it went ok. I mean no-one is treating me differently and it is a GREAT relief. I don’t like lying, mainly because I suck at it.

Thursday I went out with my work buddies. This guy who came, Mike, is a massive twat. I have not told him anything about my life because he is the kind of guy who constantly takes the piss. He always has to have the last word, always needs to have one over on you, admittedly I am like this too so you can imagine how we get on. Mike was there however, and he kept making little comments to make me feel uncomfortable like ‘so what is your type Georgia?’ and ‘you don’t like him? Why? Is it because he is male’ which was horrible as I was still not sure who knew what. If you come out it has got to be to everyone at the same time, and if your already out you probably shouldn’t let people think you are straight... I have 1. Left it long enough to be awkward if I told anyone now and 2. Definitely mentioned it by accident to certain people and not others. The girls were there and another nice guy from work so it went well despite Mike trying to make me feel like shit. When we got back from the restaurant, a few of them went to the pub, but I was not really in the mood. I had a smoke with my boss. I know, perfect opportunity to flirt, but I really don’t think I want to! I just wanted a chat and to go to bed. It is FREAKILY cold lately and the thought of walking to the pub was just too much. Plus I was working early so this is my excuse for not having a massive night.

Friday I worked until 12 then went straight to the pub. The whole of work was there, so a lot of drinks were bought for me from senior management. I was pretty drunk. I was supposed to get a train home, buy a card for my mum... so I left the pub and walked to the corner shop. I managed to persuade my boss to come with me, and we looked at cards, made gay jokes and yes I am more tactile after a drink. We got to the desk to pay, and there were buy one get one free earrings... we now have matching earrings (AWKWARD!). It got to about 9pm, several shots/pints/dares later I am stumbling back to the house to grab some stuff and my bike. I have thrown my cigarettes on the floor by accident, fallen over a few times by the time I get to the station. I am waiting for the train and I am pretty sure I rang my ex. Next thing I know, I am cycling up my to my parents house in the snow. No idea how I got home, but when I did, my parents have friends over and a full party! SAVE! No-one has to know I was drunk!

My mum’s birthday went off without a hitch, I went out with them last night so I am pretty tired today. I rang my ex to see if she was ok. I said some pretty horrible things, like go away, leave me alone. I asked her to call me and then I just shouted abuse down the phone. She sounded ok about it I guess. I know this is boring to keep going on about her, but I can’t help it. I go to bed thinking about her, wake up thinking about her and its getting silly. WE BROKE UP. I keep telling myself and reminding myself that it doesn’t work. Today I was watching tv, there were some really fit women in it, but I couldn’t even concentrate on that. I am starting to get kinda desperate, especially if I am looking at my boss through beer goggles (God help me). I don’t want to bother her, or get back together, but would be super ace to have a cuddle and maybe make out a bit.

NO NO NO. I need to go out more, work more and find someone else who wants a snog. Right? Lifeguard course tomorrow. That should keep my mind of things. If I find a girl that looks half decent in a swim suit I will let you know. Cup of tea anyone?

Plan? What plan?

 

Today in my usual weekly horse riding lesson the Girls did not turn up. Instead I rode with one of the boys around the school; he plays polo and is basically good at everything. Our instructor said that I should ride without the stirrups to improve the way I sit on the saddle. I was nervous because they put me on this MASSIVE horse, and I am not the best rider, I only started in September!

However, when we put the stirrups back on, I could definitely tell that I was in a better position. I was sitting down and watching my favourite film ‘Fried Green Tomatoes at the whistlestop cafe’ and I was thinking about my current love life situation....

It has been a month and a bit since I broke up with her, and we still talk quite a lot...  and she even said she would come and visit. It feels like I am without my safety net, riding without a saddle.. any other stupid cliché that you can think of. But if I go through this rough patch, maybe it will be better in the long run? And I will improve my emotional control and stuff right? I have given up planning about this stuff.

I made up with my boss. I am glad because she is really a good friend. Also she understands what it is like to be a lesbian in the straightest town in the whole world...

I haven’t had sex in over a month. I am going out next week. How long can a person go? Is there a limit? Who knows!

So that’s me caught up. I will let you know if something interesting happens in my life!

Easy to read

A picture of my favourite beach... sometimes just text is boring..

I haven’t posted in a while because I have been super busy. I did post one bad one though and deleted rather quickly. A blog shouldn’t be a way to moan about people above you at work... that could get ugly.

The dinner party was AMAZING! I gave everybody parts from the godfather films, and then made a story up about a snitch telling the police about the family, and a murder upstairs. It was brilliant even if the food was only dolmio. My boss didn’t come. She decided to sit with her friends in the staffroom instead. I was really disappointed. I mean I really look up to my boss, I think she has done really well to get to a position like that so young, and we get on really well. I thought she was one of my closest friends here to be honest. She saw me working on all the police files, the props, worrying about it, she saw how much effort I put into the whole evening and then she didn’t turn up. I am a bit upset with her at the moment.

I decided on my day off to go back to Uni to see some of my uni friends. They are amazing girls, one is marrying her lovely boyfriend, and the other is living with her boyfriend and they have grown up proper lives. I really enjoyed talking about the wedding... looks like I am going to be the token lesbian at the wedding. Brill! It will also be the first wedding I have ever gone to!

I went to a pub quiz last night, our team was aptly called ‘bringing up the rear’ because we predicted we would come last. We got that one right! I drank quite a bit, and I sent a little text to my ex asking how she was. I got a barrage of messages. When I logged onto the computer this morning, she said she wants to see me and asked about a few dates. I am so not ready for that. I can’t go back to crying and being miserable. This is the first week I haven’t cried myself to sleep (pathetic I know, but at least I didn’t gain weight), I don’t want to go back to that!

I was talking to this lady at work about it, she is basically a second mum and as long as I change ‘she’ to ‘he’ she gives amazing advice. This time she didn’t really have an answer.. then she said

‘I couldn’t help noticing that the relationship between you and *boss* is a bit difficult at the moment’

Shit I am easy to read. I told her that I wasn’t sure what was going on. FML. What do I do now? Everything was going so well!

Moving on

I have taken to playing squash. Why is it called squash? Is it that two people normally squash each other in the small space? Is it the squishy ball? Is it because you squash your bones every time you hit a wall? I don’t know. I have played most people at work, won my last few games but lost most of them. It is satisfying though, especially the ‘hitting a ball as hard as you can’ bit. I think it is helping with my current post breakup.

I have decided to live every day as it comes, and do exactly what I want. For example, I played squash, and then went to the pub after, whereas normally I would skip the pub and the social because I would want to speak to my girlfriend. I am doing whatever I like, not feeling guilty about anything. It is actually rather good. I feel free. Every now and again, like just before I fall asleep, I think about her and how it could have been, but I am learning to not think like that. I had a brilliant run, now I am on my own (and it’s not that bad!).

I spoke to her today however. It was not as catastrophic as last week where I went into a sort of depressed silence, but she was obviously hurt I had a good week without her. I don’t blame her. I would have been the same last week pre-squash. I feel bad. She asked if we could get back together. I don’t think we can at this stage. I don’t want to be one of those people who makes up, then breaks up and goes on and on in the same cycle, ending up hating each other. NO. That is not me. We made a decision, and we are sticking to it. It is important to focus on yourself every now and again. Healthy even. Do I sound like I am trying to convince myself? Maybe. Is it the right decision?  Ask me again in a few years.

I am hosting a dinner party on Thursday. It is a ‘come dine with me’ style evening and I am the last to do anything. I am a crap cook; however I am doing a cluedo style evening, complete with body, murder weapon and clues all themed on the Godfather. I am quite excited about it, but I hope the guests know it is a Dolmio day. Wish me luck!

Year of the dragon coming up: dragon tattoo?

It has been a while since I last posted. And this is mainly because I have been distracting myself J

So I went to see the new film (well the American version is new) the girl with the Dragon Tattoo. I loved it! It was a griping film, one where you are on the edge of your seat the whole way through. Some scenes were a bit graphic, but at the same time the film wouldn’t be the same without it. I have watched the next film in the series (Swedish version) and loved it, although I am starting to get concerned that there is no happy ending... Not sure whether I will read the book as well, it is a bit difficult to watch a scene like that, but reading about it in detail might just give me nightmares.

I have started playing squash with a friend from work. We spent the whole time laughing at how stupid we are, and it was brilliant. We are now going to play every Monday. Who knows we could be in the Olympics with that much practice.

Started horse riding with work again... and it is BRILLIANT! Learning a new skill never fails to completely take over your mind. However last session I was completely useless and could not do anything I wanted. The lady who teaches us said that I had no excuse for being so bad and I reverted back to a whiney five year old ‘I cannnnnnnt doo it’. It was slightly embarrassing thinking about it now, but it’s ok, I sucked it up and continued. Next week will be better I am sure.

I am also planning a holiday with my best friends from high school. We are going to Spain. It is going to be epic. We might go at the same time the universities go, so we can join in the crazy stuff they get up to in the evening. We might get beaten up so not sure about that plan! Might just stick to beachside bars with my best friends.

So apart from films, exercise and a load of hot chocolate any other ideas how I can distract myself? Yes, don’t panic I am going out with friends in a week to get horrendously drunk... not sure if that’s a wise idea though?

DISTRACT ME!

First full day back at work and it went off without a hitch. I love this job, I am mainly on duty in the evenings, and even then, I am generally in the office free to go on the internet and pretty much do anything I like in between my jobs. Students are happy to be back and I even got a few presents... I don’t remember being this nice to my teachers.

The ex-girlfriend (ouch that hurt to write) spoke to me online today. She told me she still loves me and that this is the hardest decision she has made (even though it was mutual). What is the point in telling me that? Just makes it harder. I am really trying not to text or talk to her, but in the evening, just before I go to bed, I miss her. I miss telling her everything, she wasn’t just my girlfriend; she was my best friend. Now I don’t know what I should tell her or how much I should talk to her. It’s impossible and with the free time this job offers me I am not distracted from my thoughts. I have finished my second trilogy (Black magician trilogy by Trudi Canavan, if you haven’t read it, get it now) and I don’t know what to do!

I keep getting stupid messages on Twitter saying ‘earn money online now!’ but they all turn out to be crap or ask for all your details and what if they just steal your money? I could totally write up transcripts for research students or type up documents... but where do you look?

Whats next?

Work started today. I packed my bag. I have no car at the moment as it is broken. My parents drove me. I felt like the student going back to work rather than the teacher. It is nice to be back. To have the routine, a few students even gave me a present. I spoke with my boss for a while, and everything is looking good. I EVEN GOT A FREE RAINCOAT! Brill.

It is tainted though, by the recent events. I was relieved to get back to England and to sleep in my own bed. My friends took me to the pub to cheer me up; I had a few beers, nothing crazy. The first song I heard in public in England was Adele- Someone like you. Every time I am alone I think back to what went wrong, what could I have done better, why it didn’t work... and it’s depressing because I can never find a moment in my memory where I could have changed anything. It was the right thing to do, how could it have worked? Well this is what I keep saying to myself anyway. I am hurting, and I am not sure how to make it go away.

I asked my parents today, if love changes over time. Do they still feel the same way they did when they got married? They said they didn’t and that it always changes over time. Is this what happened? Did the love just change and it scared us? Who knows, I certainly don’t.

Young free and single.... what is next?

New Year, New me.

Wow a lot has happened since I last posted. I am currently visiting the girlfriend, and in France. My new year's eve was spent having a serious discussion which involved a few tears. We have decided to break up. The main reason being the fact that she is French, I am English, there are differences in the way we think, the language is often a barrier to what we really want to say, and it is difficult having a long distance relationship over two countries. Great. So that ends a two and a bit year relationship. However, she wants us to remain friends and see each other (which lets face it means sleeping together) again in the near future. The thought of not seeing her again makes me shudder. She has bean such an important part of my life and the thought of her not being there.. but then at the same time, it is going to be so hard to arrange to meet her when we are no longer together. Not to mention if I end up fooling around, which I have been known to do in the past, will she still meet me? what are the rules regarding this?

So think about it for a second, we decided to break up on the 1st of January, it is now the 5th. That has been 5ish days of being together, but not really together. Although I have had fun, it has been difficult. I find myself snapping at her quite a lot, most of the time has been with her family also so I have had to make an extra effort to speak and understand French (I really SUCK at French) which often left me out of the conversation. If we were together I would not mind making this effort, but I feel selfish now.

I go home tomorrow, and she is cooking me my favourite meal tonight when she gets back from Uni. What the hell are we going to be like when I actually leave? I don't want to feel shit about it anymore.

So New year, New me. I am single. I am ready to tell my friends, one of which is getting married and told me I cant bring anyone but her, I am ready to face the world alone. Or am I? The thought of going out single excites me a little, the thought of dating or getting a new girlfriend horrifies me. I can't be bothered with any of it. Maybe I shall just shut myself off from people emotionally.. HA as if that's possible.

It is decided, new years resolution: drink less, go out more and find someone who will be my best friend and occasionally sleep with me with no strings.  Piece of cake.